How to Make People Feel Safe Enough to Tell the Truth

A short insight on coaching, emotional safety, and how to help people open up without making them feel broken.

This weekend I coached a woman I’d never met before.

To me, it was just another coaching session.

The only difference was that we only had about 20 minutes to get it done.

Doable.

Nothing crazy.

At least I thought so.

At the end of the 20 minutes she abruptly stopped talking and just stared at me.

I was confused.

Everything seemed to have gone well.

Throughout our time together she had gotten progressively lighter and we had made some significant insights into the issue she had and the changes she wanted to make.

So what was the problem?

Why was she looking at me like that?

As we started to wrap everything up, she finally got it off her chest and asked:

“How did you do that?”

“Do what?” I genuinely responded.

“I’ve never shared those things with anyone before. How did you get me to say all that?”

I laughed.

Honestly, after thousands of hours of coaching over nearly a decade, it felt a little like asking someone how to ride a bike.

But I thought about it.

And something simple came to mind.

Something simple to do but hard to remember.

I told her:

“If you want people to open up to you, treat the things they share like they’re important…but not like they’re a big deal.”

If someone confides something vulnerable to you and you respond like Kevin Hart responded to Don Cheadle…

…they probably won’t feel that inclined to share things with you in the future.

When people come to a life coach — or even just a friend — they’re looking for two things:

Someone to care about their problems.

And someone who believes their problems are solvable.

And you don’t have to panic with people’s problems to show you care about them.

In fact, it’d be best if you didn’t.

And if you truly believed they were solvable, you wouldn’t.

When people share something real, they’re not just looking for advice.

They’re watching your face.

Your body.

Your response.

They’re trying to see if this problem is a catastrophe.

Or even worse — if they are.

If you start freaking out, you’re doing nothing more than confirming to them that their problem is indeed something to freak out about.

And if you make them feel wrong for sharing a shameful secret or a dark desire, they’ll believe they’re inherently bad.

And at that point, progress will be virtually impossible.

It literally doesn’t matter what someone has done in their past if you believe in their future.

Anything that a client — or a friend — shares with you about their darkest secrets or deepest desires is nothing more than context for their next level of growth.

So, if you’re in the business of solving problems, judging someone for having them is literally a waste of time.

Theirs and yours.